This blog post will be the complete opposite of my last but I need to share, even if it’s just for my own healing. Writing has always been my outlet maybe I should just get a journal but until then maybe someone can relate to this.
I woke up on a Monday morning after spending the weekend celebrating our friends wedding. I felt a bit nauseous so I decided I would take a pregnancy test. That test came back positive and so did five others. My husband and I weren’t trying to have a baby but we weren’t not trying, our hearts had shifted and we decided we did want a baby in the future. We didn’t think it would happen so fast.
After the initial shock I adjusted, I instantly loved my little blueberry sized baby and couldn’t wait to go through the process of being pregnant. I embraced the nausea and the sleepiness, after all if I was sick then baby was healthy and that’s all I wanted.
My husband and I would talk about baby names and which room we would turn into the nursery, I obsessed over getting a new couch so I could nurse my new baby on a comfy couch. I caved into pregnancy cravings and by the end of the day I would be bloated, walk around rubbing my belly saying, “look at my baby belly” and my husband would laugh and say “that’s peanut butter and jelly’s not our baby”. Our dogs would snuggle up to my belly- I just know they knew mommy was growing a human for them to love. I downloaded pregnancy apps and loved reading about my babies progress every day.
I loved being pregnant. Until I wasn’t anymore.
On Oct. 21, 2018 My husband and I lost our baby. One week of bleeding, two doctors appointments and two ER visits and multiple tests later, the ER doctor finally confirmed that I was miscarrying. That week and the week to come were two of the most difficult weeks of my life. Although I had been bleeding, my HCG levels were rising and ultrasounds showed a sac in my uterus. The doctors suggested that I could be one of those women who bleed in their first trimester, but I knew in my heart that this wasn’t going to end the way I wanted. My last trip to the ER was on a Sunday night, everyone told me to hold off until my doctors appointment the next day but I knew in my heart the process of miscarrying had begun and lo and behold it did.
I cried. I cried a lot. I left the Emergency room, got into my car and just hysterically cried. I mourned my baby that I never met but already loved more than anything. I questioned every single thing I did the last 7 weeks, did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Why me? Why US? How was I going to cope with this unexplainable pain. I miscarried naturally and it was the worst physical pain I ever experienced for 3 days straight. Each second I was in pain, each time I went to the bathroom was a constant reminder of what my body was doing.
Now, I need to tell the people who we told we were pregnant that we lost our baby. I got sick and tired of telling people the story, I got sick of saying it would be okay or lying and saying I was okay because I couldn’t put into words how I felt; it felt like I was dying inside. Still to this day, friends will ask if I am okay and I just say yes because sometimes that is easier than trying to articulate how I feel. The responses I embraced were hugs and words like, “it’s okay to hurt and I am here to listen”. The worst response I received was “I thought you didn’t want kids”.
Miscarriage is not talked about enough. I think that’s why I have been going back and forth on writing this blog for a few weeks now because maybe one person will read this and feel comfort in knowing she isn’t alone. I have a new found respect for women and the female body after experiencing a miscarriage. I will never ask a woman when she’s going to have a baby (I got that question a few weeks after my miscarriage). I am amazed that my body did exactly what it needed to do, even if it wasn’t what I wanted it to do.
In my experience, there is no perfect way to heal from a miscarriage. Shoot, I am still going through the motions some days. The only advice I can give to a woman who has felt my pain is to allow yourself to feel it.
Cry when you want to cry. Talk about it when you feel like expressing yourself and when you don’t, its okay to sit in silence. Its okay to take care of you and take a few days off work. Its okay to leave the laundry for next week and leave the dirty dishes in the sink.
Take each moment as it comes and do what you need to do to get through. Don’t blame yourself. Miscarriage is common and most women go on to have a viable pregnancy after a miscarriage. Remember that eventually, you will be alright.
Miscarriage is not taboo.
life with me. 